TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of position. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, positive, let us have One more location where by American Gentlemen can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide All people a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often gentle electrical power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he really should end making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Superior persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from House, a element becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after discovering the making's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It really is not only unappealing. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is already attracting focus from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have change-down provider."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has Trump Tower Damascus allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

Report this page